Fourth Thursday

Happy V-Day, you happy, coupled up, content people…to all the people rocking all black, Happy Single’s Awareness Day! To everyone who was depressed today…I hope the oxycoton tastes good for you.

(4Thursday does NOT endorse the use of drugs for cathartic purposes…unless you’re a 2…then do whatever it takes to get by)

So, this is me just putting up some phrases that I hear on the regular that bother me.

1) You betta get dat shit!”

Every time I hear this at a party, I wanna cut someone. It’s really obnoxious when you’re dancing with some chick (especially if you’re someone like me and you’re, by default, self-conscious) and some asshat with a polo and too much alcohol in their blood comes clapping over your head saying that mess. What does that even mean…really? I don’t want her shit. That’s disgusting…in fact, if some chick said that during intercourse, I’m liable to go limp.

2) “Look, I bought it, so it’s MY hair.”

I’m very sure that slave masters used that same logic when they beat slaves. “I bought this nigger, so it’s MY nigger.” That hair wasn’t there yesterday…then it grew 7 inches and you expect me to believe that? C’mon, it’s usually the wrong texture, it usually looks tacky, you’re neck looks strained and it gives melanin-deprived folk more reason to laugh at us. Stop it. Just stop.

3) “We’ve been dating for awhile and…wow, you’re such a good friend.”

...

…Just die, ho....

4) “Man, we’re young. Make your mistakes now."

Oh Golly Gee, I’ve been wanting to sleep with the girl who I’m 99.9999999% sure has ghonorrea-syphalAIDS for SOOOO long, I might as well do it while I’m young. I can ALWAYS wash the shame off of me.

5) “I’ve never done this before…”

…you mean with me, right? My boy hit and said you did this quite often. In fact, for someone who has never done this before, you sure do know a lot of tricks….

6) “Can I introduce you to my friend, ______? She’s really nice”

Two things wrong here. One, I’m not trying to talk to your friend, I’m trying to talk to you. Don’t give me the silver when I’m trying to get the gold, ma’am. Two…when women define someone by how nice they are, how outgoing they are or how talented they are at something…the person they are describing is busted. It’s ALWAYS true.

7) “You want to meet my *insert greek letter here* father?”

Do I want to eat spicy cyanide popsicles?

Here’s my list. Fellas, what things do you hear that make your skin crawl?