Fourth Thursday

"It only hurts when I lean back"

She wears that defense closer than her bruises,
Clad in purple shirts
Because that color got her the first compliment
She would receive in years.
Her hands shake,
Probably because they're used
to pushing his chest away
As he closes in,
But they steady when caressing
The hair of her kids.
She baby-sits, and treats
Each one as if it were her own,
So when money runs out,
They drink Kool-aid while
she swallows her spit,
And pretends it's red,
And she carries my knife
Because she says
"It's too rough for your grip."

She loves everyone and adores few,
And hates when that love is returned
Because every hand that fed her
Has scratched her
And she wears those scars
As plaques,
Celebrating the gain of knowledge.
They are her diplomas,
And she knows they're worth more
Than the school she attended.
She hopes for little
And when she stares at the stars,
Their light burns too bright for her eyes.
She's always one laugh away from tears.

I swear,
Every time I see her bruises
And count her scars, I wonder
How things would be for her
If I could carry her across that bridge
And show her life behind the red brick
Walls of this university.
I wonder how it would look
To see her trade that knife
For a text book
And those scars for paper cuts
And I wonder if I would have
The courage to tell her
Everything if it was
Here instead of there.

Dear Carina,

I'm sorry that I can't love you.
I'm sorry that my hands are stained
With graphite and that my mind
Paints pictures in black and white.
And that I play with words
But don't toy with hearts
Because I'm afraid to not know.
I can't heal your wounds,
I can't dry your eyes
And make life more than
Today for you.

All I can do is listen,
And not just to your stories.
I'll listen to every movement
Of your eyes and follow your interests,
I'll listen to your body and know
How to embrace you
Without remind you of him,
I'll listen to the shakes of your hands,
Convert them to a Richter scale
And figure out the epicenter,
I'll listen to every word you say
And use the letters to draw a path
Away from your home
And into your next dream.

I can't love you,
But I can't abandon you.
This is me, bandaging the scars,
And having the faith
To know that the same girl
Who loves those kids
Can love herself
Enough to let herself
Heal.

Love,
Gerald