Sunday, February 28, 2010

A Game of Wolves (Draft 1)

When hunting wolves,

hold the rifle steady,
butt against your shoulder,
breathe slowly, downward
so the wolf doesn't see
your breath,
Be part of the environment
never chase the wolf,
tempt the wolf,
don't get too close,
distance is key.

I hadn't seen her in years,
but I remembered her teeth,
straight, white, with sharp
incisors that left bite marks
on my shoulder,
when we were children,
we were always either
hunters or wolves.
She always won.
Always,
knew to either fire first
or be chased.

A cornered wolf
is more dangerous
than a rifle.

I saw her in shnucks,
ironically,
she smiled in my direction
intentionally,
tempting,
she always knew to never chase,
always knew to keep her hands
where I could see them
I'm not saying I didn't trust her,
but I didn't trust her,
like
most women,
like
most hunters,
she knew to never chase
and always tempt

"I remember when you used
to chase me,
it was cute"
"Was it?"
"Like a baby chasing bubbles,
or tag,
you were never very good at tag,
though"
and we both laugh,
eyes locked on each other,
Never let the target out of your sight
"Well, I remember when you
weren't able to see me.
I was a good hunter,"
"You were just good at hiding."
"That's what a good hunter does,
that's why you always made me
play the wolf.
You never learned how to lose."
"What happened to us."

and I should have told her:
You never learned how to lose,
that rifles and bite marks
are not mutually exclusive
and that, maybe,
I was too good at giving
and never knew how to take
very well.
I was comfortable
being a wolf,
because sometimes,
it's nice not to see it coming

Make sure the wolf does not
see it coming

and she says
"I remember when you
used to love."
"When was that?"
"Between the tempting
and the shot,
when I could see you
in my scopes,
you were always loving
harder than the bullet."
"And how did you love?"
"Huh?"
"How did you love?"
Never chase,
tempt
"I don't know"
"You were always good
at knowing when to fire,
knowing to tell when the wolf
is completely in love
and striking
either between the eyes
or in the chest cavity,
you made sure
that you didn't leave
the target alive."
"What are you trying to say?"
"That, maybe,
you were a better huntress,
and I was too good at loving.
I'm not able to dodge bullets
but I can tell
when I'm being tempted,
and you are a little to good
at hiding, sometimes."
"You were good at hiding, too,"
"Maybe.
Maybe I exist somewhere between
wolf and hunter
between giver and taker
but I've always been a better giver,
and maybe
you were better at receiving,
and maybe I should have bitten you
when I had the chance,
to make sure that you
were never able to take from me again."
And she nods
and I know
that we will probably
never speak to each other again
and that she will tell her friends
that she killed another wolf
and I might
have to agree with her.

No matter how much you prepare
eventually, you will chase the wolf,
and a cornered wolf
is more dangerous than a rifle.
When stuck in this situation,
remember,
that the one who walks out alive
is the one who
willing to fire first.

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I had a really long, angry post...but I'll abstain from posting it. I'm having a good night and I don't wish to vent about it now.

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

They're Not All Bad (At Least For Me)

So, I was looking at 4thursday today, just going through posts and ish....realized something. If someone wanted to, they could easily make the case that I don't uplift black women enough.


You're right, I don't. Black bastards. White Girls, 2010!

Enough of the joking. Contrary to popular belief, when ya'll ain't making my life a living hell, you're making my life heaven. I came from a black woman, love black women and will always love black women. I love them off all shapes and sizes, of all locations and upbringing, and of all ideas and beliefs. Ya'll mean the world to me, which is why you must be subjected to criticism, the same way you all criticized me and helped mold me into the person I am today.

So, today, I'm taking a break from crazy heifers, dumb heifers, lost heifers and the non-existent slut to talk about the beautiful black women in my life that have had the greatest impact on me.

(Not done in any specific order)

1) Jeana
So, apparently, she didn't like me when we first met. Funny, eh? How do you not like lil-ol' AD? Anyway, we became pretty cool in 11th grade and it's been history ever since. From withstanding my hilarious interrogations to offering up really good anecdotes for day-to-day situations, Jeana is one of the women that prove that good things of the XX pair can come out of Hazelwood Central. Although we have debacles over height, I respect her an equal scholastically, as an apt friend and as family. And, as of late, she definitely can roll with the punches when it comes to jokes. She don't take it sitting down anymore...although when she sits down, we're technically seeing eye-to-eye.

2) Mychal
I don't exactly know when and where this friendship formed, but it did. She dated one of my boys, which probably kept our deep, unbridled passion for each other from ever truly being realized. In all seriousness, Mychal reminds me that any stereotype about Black women being too this or too that is completely untrue. She may be a coon at heart, but she's a great one, worthy of the greatest respect and love I can give. (Hell, she's the only one to tell me that I have to wear a tux and chucks to a wedding and I NOT balk at her. lol)

3) Brittany
One of my black tags at Six Flags, Brittany did more for me than she may realized. At first, we were purely co-workers, but quickly, we opened up to each other and I was able to learn more about the adult side of black women, about expectation over entitlement and how to treat women in general as people, not something to be placed on a pedestal. She always gave me great advice and was one of the few who didn't judge my relationship with a certain melanin-deprived leech.

4) Audrey
Audrey is Audrey, through and through. Never met anyone like her. Highly affectionate, blunt and talented. Whether it was in a studio or in a classroom (with me probably surfing the net or dozing off), I could always rely on at least a smile. I don't know if you know, but a smile on a dark day can mean the sun. Yea, we have disagreements on gender roles in the black community. I'm usually right. She can't help it. At the end of the day, she's one of the people who has made my WashU experience exponentially better and has reminded me not to write all you Black bastards off.

5) Naia
On some realness, Naia is the only chick that can go blow-for-blow with my ignorance. Another one of my WashU sisters, she can easily beat you down in life, poetry, rap or jokes. She's one of the few who I can rap with about a lot of things ranging from the little quirks to the "OMG, I think i just fucked up my life" things. She's also the only one who will randomly give you a Domo-Kun. C'mon now, that's gangsta. We got through WU-SLam last year as a team and are getting through this year as family.

6) Mom
No matter how rocky our relationship was growing up, I never lost love for my mom. She is a lady me with more patience and experience. When I was acting up, she set me straight. When I needed some encouragement, she gave it. If I need anything, she'll bend over backwards to get it. My biggest fear in life is not being able to live up to be the man my parents raised me up to be, someone my mom can look back on with her girls in the hair salon and say "My boy did well." She's the woman I'll do anything for and who will do anything for me. I may not always know how to show it, but I love her for that.

There are a lot of women I can't write on this list because...well...that will be a blog in itself. These women have had profound impacts on me, helping to create the genuinely messed up but amazingly perfect me you all love, hate and adore. I love them more all then my pens and computer screens will allow me to type.

To the fellas: It's easy to bash ladies and ish, but sit down and make a list like this sometimes. I know black women can get on our nerves, but also remember that there are more to love. Remember: these women push us to be great, demand us to do the same for them and love us unconditionally.

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Why I Believe that Every Woman I am Interested in is Inherently Insane

Note: All women aren't inherently insane. (I don't think so...)


So, as I sit in Whispers and see a beautiful black woman that reminds me of missed opportunities, i reflect upon the women I have interacted with in the past. Anyone who has seen my Tweets today may see that I ran into a former fling that was pretty evil...like, on some, "let me tell this other girl who threatens me shit that could make her want to kill herself" evil. I actually call her Dr. Evil...or the Indian Mini-Me...she's about the same size.

So, I started thinking about the last few women I've messed with and have broken them down into Archetypes of Crazy Individuals I've encountered and been strangely attracted to.

1) The Body

Okay, let's be real...all the psycho-crapulent-bibble-babble of political correctness and such won't stop me from saying that I love a woman's body. Breast are second to none except the almighty ass. I know, I probably killed someone's self-esteem and for that I'm (Almost) sorry. But back to the substance, The Body will make you do some crazy things. They can have NO personality, but The Body will make you think that her body is worth all the trouble that comes with her. Then you finally talk to her and realize that the teapot your boiled water in had more substance than her. (A lot of bodies have a face like the Mule...remember, always look up before embracing The Body)

2) Ms. Philosophy

Ever met that lady that makes you feel...challenged? (That really means you met that lady that makes you feel dumb but you say challenged because you want to feel better about yourself.)
So, they have substance...not much else, but you don't care because dating her makes it look like you're not shallow. Ms. Philosophy knows Kant, Rawls, and Mills and will hit you with every bit of Tyler Perry/ Rev Run Wisdom she can to make you feel like you're not doing enough in life...daily. Oh, the last few Ms. Philosophys I've dated (or...actually...said "hi" to) have all tried to stalk me in some way. Whether it's documenting all my actions to turn it into some form of "sweet" poetry that is randomly found in my inbox to locking me in a room and yelling at me until their face turns blurple, i've seen it all.

3) Mrs. I-Pray-Right
...I'll keep this one brief: No fun, no conversation, no sex. Religion is great. I am a devout Christian...but c'mon, there's a lot to talk about in this world.

So, I started looking over this and realized something. These types of women that have come into my life are nuts. They all lead to stressful relationships and stories that, albeit are funny in your guy groups, always leave a bitter taste in your mouth. We all have that group that we just think is inherently crazy and can cause us a lot of problems because we've run into crazies before.

But another issue I'm presented with is why do I find these types of women attractive? Why is it that I can settle on a particular aspect and be okay with a maximization of that aspect while neglecting the rest? I think that we have this idea implanted into our head that we're not going to find the best because, well, it isn't out there. We need to take what we can and keep it moving. If we don't, we're single. (And we all know that if we're single, we're not happy. Ask your friends. Especially your coupled up friends. They'll all say "Enjoy being single" while looking around nervously...they don't buy that shit as much as you do.)

Why are we so pressed to be coupled up that we'll settle for these monstrosities who's sole purpose is to tear our hearts and our minds from their homes and place them in their teeth? Is being in a relationship worth all that? I dunno, bro, I dunno.

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Why I Love Anonymous Postings So Much

Hey all!


So, I've been sick all weekend, fighting the mysterious bug, and dealing with limited contact with humans. It's rough for such a social creature as myself [/sarcasm]

Had a...daunting meeting with someone friday afternoon which I may post details about later. Whew.

So, you're looking at the title and wondering "Yo, Wonderful-splendiferous-stupendous-masterful AD (because you always think this when thinking of me), why do you love anonymous postings so much." Well, my friends, I'll explain it to you.

A few years back, Honesty Box popped off. It gave people the opportunity to be completely honest with someone who had the app on their facebook page. (It was offered on MySpace, but by that time, MySpace had taken its place in the corner where it belonged while it's many lame users filtered their way into facebook with their bathroom profile pics and their angle shots and whack usernames like "Sexxxikittykatmeowbark") A lot of people took advantage of the opportunity, especially when someone like me put one on his page.

I got the usual: "You're cute" "You're shot" "You're loud" "No one knows the real you" "You're a wonderful friend" "I've had a crush on you for awhile but am too afraid..." "Banana-Cream-Pie!" etc. Nothing special, nothing worth changing my life over. Then I realized something about these programs, which extend to the currently popular FormSpring.

Imagine, you're holding something in. You've always wanted to say it, but you've been told by society that it's wrong to be confrontational. You've been told to be as indirect as possible and that people won't like you if you're upfront. You're held by gender roles and by social stigmas that prevent you from really being who you want to be. You see a box that promises to release these demons you bear to finally be cast out and given to the person who invokes such a powerful emotion within you. You type out your demons and send it and you instantly feel better.

Yeah, it's some whack shit. Honestly.

But whackness is what whackness does. These whack individuals need an outlet as well. These feelings could fester within them, but now they can let it out in the most whack way they know how. And that's okay. Who am I to deprive you of that.

So go ahead, my enemies, my haters, my nay-sayers, my crushes, my exes, my almost-friends, my impersonators, my could-have-beens, my Judas's, send me your comments. Allow these demons resting on your chests to be let free.

I'll simply smile, answer the question and return to living, the same thing I would do if you swallowed your whack, held your demons in your hands, and approached me in Whispers.

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Have We Gone Too Far: Video Game Violence and Art

Let me preface this by saying that I don't know shit about visual art, but I like putting it in titles.


That being said:

Today, I finished the campaign mode in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I was completely impressed with the gameplay, the score, the sound effects and the first-person cinematics. At times, I actually felt like the action hero in the SEALS or the Army Ranger who is defending D.C. from invaders. It has quickly become one of my favorite shooters.

When I started the game, I was told that there would be some disturbing moments and that I could skip them if I wanted to. I nodded and brushed it off. Nothing surprises me in games anymore. I've seen nukes get detonated in Call of Duty 4 and Metal Gear Solid 3, I've seen monsters savagely rape other monsters in Silent Hill 2, I've seen a family get slaughtered in Max Payne. Like I said, nothing surprises me, so I launched forward into the game expecting to be impressed.

-Spoiler alert-

A soldier you watched develop is put in Russia undercover. His name changes from Joseph to Alexi. . He's standing in an elevator in an airport with a group of armed men, and their leaders says "Remember, No Russian." The elevator opens, the men line up around a metal detector holding their guns in firing position. There's a sea of civilians in for the metal detector. One of your cohorts fires prematurely, and your line opens fire on the innocent people. Your group kills every living thing in the airport terminal, nothing is allowed to live and remember your face. Blood splatters on the walls and the floor and the air as bullets strike the panicking civilians who try fruitlessly to run away. Some security guards try to stop you, but compared to the rifles your group wields, their handguns are nothing. Your cohorts stop by people who are wounded, crawling for a place to hide and execute them in cold blood. Once there is no movement in the airport terminal, your group runs outside to escape, killing as many riot police with grenades as you can, possibly taking down a plane if you choose to take that route. You reach the escape vehicle, are shot by the leader who knew all along you were American, and left for dead so the world can blame your nation for the incident.

This scene has caused a firestorm of reactions. It has been talked about, banned from certain nations, edited in others and protested in most. It was chilling enough to be brought before the United Kingdom's House of Commons. It's easily the biggest maelstrom of reactions to a video game moment since GTA3.

And I'm torn.

Like I said, I'm usually never surprised, but the depiction of this terrorist act rocked me. The complete ruthlessness of it, the fact that you were firing on innocent civilians, the fact that someone thought to put this as an interactive moment of the game really made me uncomfortable. It seemed like no choice was the right one. If you don't fire, then you're watching your cohorts mercilessly murder about 100-150 innocent people as they scream and run from the bullets. If you fire on your cohorts, you blow your cover and sacrifice millions of lives to the ensuing war. If you fire on the civilians, then what does that say about you? It's a real damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

It's really disturbing, but it also does something for the medium that I think people are unwilling to accept just yet. People hear the term "Video Gaming" and think "children." They don't see gaming in the same light as movies, where anything goes, and it may be because games started really tame. Y'know, pong, et (*shudder*), tetris, stuff like that. Now, Video Games are becoming more epic, more cinematic, more gritty, and attempting to break free of the children association. It's trying to claim the same legitimacy that movies have, where they can do some outlandish things and no one second guesses it.

The scene, which is tough to get through if you're in the general vicinity of a decent person, fully encapsulates the the horrors of war. Think about it, you're undercover for your nation to protect it. You have a choice between blowing that cover and causing the deaths of your compatriots or killing innocent civilians and possibly protecting millions more. What do you do? The game deals with complex issues and moral decisions that soldiers face on the regular in a way that no movie could ever do. It makes you uncomfortable, it makes you evaluate the ethics of war and it makes you more invested in the rest of the story.

Why can't a medium that is able to do this be considered a legitimate medium like movies or visual art? Is it because the word "game" is in the title?

Games like Metal Gear, GoldenEye, Uncharted and Call of Duty have pushed the boundaries of gaming, crossing into the realm of interactive movies and it seems that more games are heading in that direction. As they become more cinematic and art driven, the things done in them will be more and more controversial, especially if we keep viewing them in this childish light. Video Games are growing up. Maybe instead of being angry and banning them, its time to take a step up and let them grow strong.

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

People I Hate in Class

Do i really need to preface this? I'm taking a Sex, Cyborgs, and Society class and one of the things that really irks me is that there are people in there who embody every annoying quality possible. So, why not go through the list...mkay?


1) The "Yes-Man"

You know those people that you can bet money on never being able to find a mate because they have no spine? In class, they are worse. Rocking a goofy smile and confused eyes, anytime the teacher or another student questions their position, they simply agree with a bass-heavy "Uh, yeah." They tend to have high grades, though, so I guess i'm hating. They also will say shit that makes no sense as to not come across as a "Yes-Man." Anytime they speak, I just shake my head while saying under my breath "I still get more than you..."

2) The Enlightened Ho
I Know, I shouldn't call them hos...but let's be honest, some of these people in your class are on that Walt Whitman tip (I am vast, I contain multitudes). Like, you see them in class, shaking in self-hatred while the night before, you saw them eyeballing a new set of gonads to place perpendicular to their nose. The funny thing is that they have an advantage in class...they're very sensory and use very provocative allusions to make their point...and no one of the opposite sex will counter those examples because, well, everyone is hoping to be the next one to put their children under her eyelids. Yo, I always find it funny how these enlightened hos can cite sources that are supposed to make their hoing become socially acceptable and spiritual. Like, "I'm not a ho, I'm just in tune with my multitudes of sexual partners and I'm liberated from the social constraints of sexual purity. I have transcended my gender roles and you should not judge me..." which can all be translated to "scut." Scores high with male teachers and low with females...haters.

3) The Libertarian
...First off, how many libertarians do you actually know? I'll answer it for you, one. Basically, being a libertarian means that you like no one taking your opinion seriously and that you are perfectly content with being compared to the sugar-water eater from men in black because of your brutish simplicity. In class, they are firestarters, comparing everything to communist Russia and slavery while simultaneously reaping the benefits of financial aid to be at the university that allows them to bitch and moan about every single governmental policy. And how does a discussion about gender roles in latin america turn into discussions about how the government shouldn't take taxes? Teachers don't give the libetarian grades because, quite frankly, they don't exist.

4) 21 Questions
This is the one who asks 1 billion questions every class because they think that it boosts their grade. What starts out as honestly seeking guidance becomes attention grubbing. If the teacher says "This started in Florida." You shouldn't need to ask "Do you mean the state south of Georgia?" (Shouts to all the negroes who got confused when I said Georgia. Y'know, the state with Atlanta. Remember, Atlanta is not a state, simple negroes)

5) Mr/s Outside Research
Y'know the one that reads the optional readings in class. Looks shit up and comes in acting like they are the most prepared every class...Well, they are, but still, do you really need to look up the etymology of a key word for every class? Also, is all you do class? Aren't you missing out on a good part of college life? Go outside, meet some people, put the book down, let me come up and get a better grade, you selfish bastard.

Those are my 5. Got any others to add to the list?

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Gonna Be a Lovely Day

So, I've been down a lot lately, and I think, in certain aspects, 4thursday has been reflecting that. So, let's have an upbeat day!


No real post today. Too much paper, not enough time. But I hope everyone has a great day and we'll get 4thursday crackin a little later on in the week. Listen to this song and make the day great.

As WU-Slam would normallly say: "Get money, Get squids"

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Monday, February 15, 2010

10

Author's Note: Been on my heart for awhile. Might as well put up draft 3.

Yo, that is the baddest chick I've seen in a minute!
Like, on some celebrity status type bad,
They damn sure don't make'em like they used to.
 Naw, dog, she's a 7 at best.
A 7? Naw, that's her friend. She's a 9 or 10,
 Man, you just think she's bad because she's surrounded
 By those beasts around her. Her friends are all 2's,
 So of course she looks better.
Aight, you right, you right…

We needed a system,
Hierarchy, ranking
To quantify quality
Something to make things easier,

It's hard to describe you.
You should know your rank.

1- Someone so hideous that it should have ended up in the carpet. Or the happy towel.
2- Lil Wayne
3- Someone who's probably got a redeeming skill or a good personality, but is still pretty tough to look at. Probably shouldn't speak until spoken to. Just sayin
4- Slightly below average, they're trying, just falling short of normalcy.
5- Average Joe. We can be friends in public without me being embarrassed. Good job
6- Someone worth dating…temporarily
7- Someone worth dating,…permanently.
8- You can be a complete asshole, but I'll put up with your bullshit. You could actually make it on TV. Or a magazine. Or as a singer. With no talent.
9- You have the right to remain gorgeous. You don't even need to talk, you're so flippin amazing already. In fact, don't talk, you might lower your rating
10- Alicia Keys.

It make things easier.
It's just math,
Calculations,
It saves words like (fine/cute/gorgeous/attractive)
It makes it easier to remember,
We needed this
A simple game of numbers.
It's just math

1's and 2's are compatible, no one cares about them
She has low self-esteem,
She could be so much cuter if she didn't talk,
Damn threes, always sticking their heads
where they don't belong,
He's a 5, he's always shooting for 9's,
What a joke, he needs to know his role,
He's fat,
She's fat,
He/she's a 3,
So hideous that they should know
When to shut the hell up,
How did Jill Scott get famous,
Fat-ass,
Fantasia sings like a 9 but looks like a 2
Hideous
Know your role
She's a 9,
I don't know her name,
But I know she's a 9,
She'll probably only look for other 9's
And hang around 7s or above,
She needs to settle sometimes,
I don't know her name, though,

We don't need to waste words
Like smart/funny/thoughtful
Like cute/stunning/dedicated
It used to be a 2 number system,
You were either 1 or 0
Hot or not
Now, you have worth,
You have downward mobility,
There's no harm,
Nothing can go wrong
Be grateful,
Would you rather be a 0?

She told me that I was a 3,
Dammit, I’m a 3,
I need to learn my place
I want to bag her,
I want to multiply,
I don't care if she cheats, I don't want to know,
She's an 8, I may never get this chance again,
And how does he do it, he's a 4
And no one talks about 4s
But he keeps talking to 7s,
Like he matters,
It's bad math,
What the hell is her name,
Wait, I don't need to know her name,
She's a 10,
That's all I need to know,
Yo,
I'd do some terrible things to her, son.
Yo,
I'd beat the brakes of her son,
Yo,
I'd fuck the shit out of her son
She's a 2 that lives like a 2 son
She's a 10 that feels like a 2 son,
I don't want to be a 2 son
I don't want to be a number
I don't want you to be a number

We sat in a café,
Laughing,
As we figured out who was
Worth talking about,
Leaving 5,
Then eliminated anyone
With a trivial flaw,
Leaving 3
And reduced it
To 1
Worth
Anything.

I don't need you,
Never did,
We never needed you,
We never needed your name,
Or you,
Just your rank

This system is easy
I hope you can suck a good dick, 1
This system leaves no stone unturned
You're almost there, 4, just don't speak
This system is efficient
I only fucks with 7s or above
This system makes sense
I wish I was a 10

This system is flawed

I propose a new one:

1- I found a way to rank you based on your looks
2- Because as long as you're a number
3- We can continue to know our roles
4- Even if they're wrong
5- I'm sorry
6- For being too afraid to know you
7- And I want to erase these numbers
8- And replace them with compliments, qualities and conversations
9- I need to go back to the drawing board

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Firework Phrases: Shit No Man Wants to Hear

Happy V-Day, you happy, coupled up, content people…to all the people rocking all black, Happy Single’s Awareness Day! To everyone who was depressed today…I hope the oxycoton tastes good for you.

(4Thursday does NOT endorse the use of drugs for cathartic purposes…unless you’re a 2…then do whatever it takes to get by)

So, this is me just putting up some phrases that I hear on the regular that bother me.

1) You betta get dat shit!”

Every time I hear this at a party, I wanna cut someone. It’s really obnoxious when you’re dancing with some chick (especially if you’re someone like me and you’re, by default, self-conscious) and some asshat with a polo and too much alcohol in their blood comes clapping over your head saying that mess. What does that even mean…really? I don’t want her shit. That’s disgusting…in fact, if some chick said that during intercourse, I’m liable to go limp.

2) “Look, I bought it, so it’s MY hair.”

I’m very sure that slave masters used that same logic when they beat slaves. “I bought this nigger, so it’s MY nigger.” That hair wasn’t there yesterday…then it grew 7 inches and you expect me to believe that? C’mon, it’s usually the wrong texture, it usually looks tacky, you’re neck looks strained and it gives melanin-deprived folk more reason to laugh at us. Stop it. Just stop.

3) “We’ve been dating for awhile and…wow, you’re such a good friend.”

...

…Just die, ho....

4) “Man, we’re young. Make your mistakes now."

Oh Golly Gee, I’ve been wanting to sleep with the girl who I’m 99.9999999% sure has ghonorrea-syphalAIDS for SOOOO long, I might as well do it while I’m young. I can ALWAYS wash the shame off of me.

5) “I’ve never done this before…”

…you mean with me, right? My boy hit and said you did this quite often. In fact, for someone who has never done this before, you sure do know a lot of tricks….

6) “Can I introduce you to my friend, ______? She’s really nice”

Two things wrong here. One, I’m not trying to talk to your friend, I’m trying to talk to you. Don’t give me the silver when I’m trying to get the gold, ma’am. Two…when women define someone by how nice they are, how outgoing they are or how talented they are at something…the person they are describing is busted. It’s ALWAYS true.

7) “You want to meet my *insert greek letter here* father?”

Do I want to eat spicy cyanide popsicles?

Here’s my list. Fellas, what things do you hear that make your skin crawl?

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Saturday, February 13, 2010

An Overdue Response

So, tomorrow's the day of love...named after the patron saint of happy marriages, strong couples, bee keepers, plague and epileptics...? Not much is known about Good ol' St. Valentine except for that he was a missional minister who tried to convert an emperor and was stoned, clubbed and beheaded. In fact, we don't even know if there was only one Valentine...


I digress.

(I must forewarn you, this post may be dripping with sarcasm.)

Yesterday was our wonderful Black love and relationship panel discussion, featuring some pretty fine individuals from the Berkeley area and a recently graduated student. There was a good turn out, and why not? People always have an opinion when it comes to black love.

We've had these discussions before. What does a black relationship look like? Why can't black men and women get along? What ever happened to courting? Why would you let a good one go? Why don't our shit stink and yours smell SO bad? yadayadayadaya

So, as I began to space out from a discussion focusing on marriage (which is something I'm just not interested in at the present moment) I started thinking back to our last gender discussion. We're in a camp, two sides facing each other, eyes narrow, like a showdown. It's early in the year but bad feelings from years past have fluttered into this room. There's three moderators...but in this case, we'll call them referees...or the UN Peacekeepers. Yea, it's about to be a war.

The discussion begins with frustrations: "Why don't you like us?" "Why don't you respect us?" "Where are the good one's at?" "Why do you run to other schools?"
It turned into confessionals: "I've been hurt by..." "I don't believe in you all because..."
And a statement was thrown out that still rings into my ears today:

"Maybe you men should look inside yourselves and ask...'Am I Worthy?' of being with a black woman at Washington Universty?"

So, I sat on that. Contemplated. "looked inside myself."

*sigh*

This statement implies two things:
1) That the men at WashU don't know their worth
2) That the women at WashU not only know their worth, but are allowed to use their (probably flawed) concept of self-worth as a projection of eligibility to the WashU men

And what is this "worth?" Is it some mythical-metaphysical bullshit measurement of qualities and thought processes that can be made tangible? Is it some nice post-depressed-ice-cream-eating-binge phrase used in closed door conversations to make the dumped not seem so defeated? Is it something any of us ACTUALLY ever think of outside of our attempts to degrade people we're supposed to be uplifting while synonymously calling it "honesty?" How is someone to know that their worthy? How do I know if I'm not overqualified to be with you? What separates me from you? How do you know that you're not over assessing your worth? How do you know that you're not downplaying someone else's worth?

How do we know that the entire statement wasn't just to make oneself look better while simultaneously making every guy in that room look worse.

Under the right amount of pressure, carbon can take the form of Diamond or Graphite. How many lumps of Graphite have you helped create?

A lot of people have been hurt by a minority. That's legit...but it's a minority. A small part. And the good majority have to pay for them. We are made to feel worthless because you've been hurt. We are forced to make other's feel worthless to gain our worth back. And the cycle continues. The chicken and the egg, really.

I'm tired of paying for my brother's crimes. Yes, a few dudes at this university have messed up, have played women, have hurt them...but why should I have to continually pay for them? If this concept of worth holds any water, then I'm worth more than that. The VAST majority of the men are worth more than that. I know it's easier to let such a small part define the whole, but maybe it's time to grow up a little bit, stop elevating yourselves at our expense and make an effort to grow with us, not apart from us.

And if you want to stand by this divisive and foolish notion of "worthy," then examine your own self worth. See how many people you've hurt. See how many times you've done the same things that we're accused of. See if you're really as close to being a diamond as you claim to be.

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

The iGoogle World

So, two days ago, Google released "Google Buzz," Google's (insecure) response to basically every social networking site. It basically removes all reason to leave Gmail. I don't know if I like it yet, but as with every social networking site, eventually, it'll be my thang-thang (That sounded sexual).

So, lets be real: What HASN'T Google taken over? They run the e-mail game, they run the online file-sharing game, they run the online collaboration game, Picasa is quickly taking over the photo-sharing game, its search engine was so popular that it never needed advertising until THIS YEARS SUPERBOWL (I'll write about that depressing commercial and why I don't fucks with Google's search engine anymore late. One word: Marriage.) Google runs most of the technological world now...

...except for the spaces run by Apple.

When I'm not online, I'm listening to my iPod. Everybody beats me over the head with their Macbooks and their iMacs and shit. iTunes is closer to having a fully functional browser integrated into its programming, iPod has replaced the term "mp3" player, now there's the damned iPad. Oh, even though Andriod is like, the shit, the iPhone still runs phones. (If only Att could win an Advertising war, huh?)

Between Apple and Google, most bases are covered...but there are places in the future that they can battle it out over:

1) GoogleBlock: Have someone who keeps contacting you through, well, anything? Google has a API for that. First, it searches all information on the person you need to block. Then it blocks their internet access and when they walk outside to stalk you, they run into a "Verizon-posse" type group that keeps them away from you. Where my Stalked people at? (I could have used this before I started getting messages about people picturing my fuckin children...*shudder*)

2) iForgot: Forgot the song you were looking for? Want your computer program to act as lost as you so you don't feel so bad about it? iForgot has your back. You'll punch in the 2 words or hum the off-key version you think is right and it responds just like your friends: Vaguely. "Yo, you remember that song that went...er..."don't hurt...yea?" "Oh, you mean that one song?" "Yea, that song, what's it called." "Dawg, I really don't remember, but it's a dope track." "Word. Ugh, it's on the tip of my tongue." "Why not google the lyrics?"

3) GoogleSoul: So, you're in a chatroom...wait, who the hell uses chatrooms? Okay, you're on facebook, chatting with that one MF you REALLY don't like. They say something that, although isn't wrong, incites an undue wrath...or they put up a picture that looks like five platypuses making eggs on shoulders. You wanna be ignorant, but you don't know if it's okay. Ask GoogleSoul. It can either council you out of your decision...or do the roasting for you. (I could really use this)

4) iHoe: Sometimes, you need to cheat. Badly. Let's be real, you'll get tired of the same vagina or same dick if you see it every flippin day. We need variety...and our significant others are too selfish to understand this. (Silly, right?) That's what the iHoe is for. By subscribing to Apple's iHoe, you create the iHoe of your dreams, have them delivered, and get to beatin. When finished, it plays soothing music to put you to sleep. Don't worry, it doesn't talk )for you fellas who crave efficiency.) I know, what if my girl walks in? Well, show her the Apple Logo and the catchy theme music that plays when you stroke her clickwheel. (Random: Can you imagine a touchscreen clitoris?) Have your significant other join in. It's not nasty! It's Apple!

(I think the iHoe is already out. I know a few.)

Now, seeing as how I'm marketingly challenged, I can only think of 4 things. What's everyone else got? What does an iGoogle world look like to you?

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